Farm Life

This has been a long time coming for me. Like 50 years long time coming.

Growing up, and through my adult life, I’ve had a sweet tooth. But not in a normal, “oh I like cake” kind of way. In a “once when I was about 6, I dug a box of cereal out of the trash in the middle of the night to eat it” kind of way. In an “I will eat this pan/box of sweets in its entirety in one sitting” kind of way. And once, I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies (aka the Devil’s treat) outside a grocery store, took out a handful, threw the rest in the trash, ate them in my car, and tried to figure out how I could go back and get the rest out of the trash.

Basically, my relationship with sweets has never been normal nor healthy.

And up until now, I was ok trying to “cut back” on sweets, even though it never worked for long.

In the last 2-3 years, I started noticing something I didn’t like. After I would eat sweets, I would get irritable. Well, maybe more than irritable. Any. Little. Thing…and I was blown way out of proportion upset.

Example: I’m working on the fence and keep dropping the pliers = a complete breakdown in tears.

I’d been trying to talk myself out of what was happening and why. Could it really be sugar causing my emotional breakdowns? It’s never been a problem before. I’ve ALWAYS eaten lots of sweets. But I couldn’t keep denying it any longer. NOW, it was a problem.

A few years ago, I had already dropped my sugar consumption waaaaay below the American average of 17 teaspoons of added sugar a day. I’d maybe have a few teaspoons of maple syrup or honey a day in yogurt, a smoothie, or tea. And when I did make a baked treat, I always cut the sugar in half. So what was I really giving up? Would it really make a difference?

After my 50th birthday, I ate my birthday brownies and decided that was it. I didn’t want to have these HUGE emotional swings and breakdowns anymore. I wanted to give my body a real break and see what happened.

What was the no sugar “rule”? No maple syrup, coconut sugar, cane sugar, beet sugar, honey, sucanat, palm sugar, etc. Basically, no added sugars. The only sweet treat was from whole foods. So when I got a sugar craving, it was a pear, grapes, banana, mango, etc. If I made a smoothie, I added a date.

Eating whole foods high in natural sugar is better because the fiber and other nutrients create a balance when the sugar is absorbed into your system and slows the process down–aka less of a sugar rush.

In the past, I’ve tried all the sugar substitutes, including sugar alcohols like xylitol and erythritol, and I don’t like the taste. Same for Stevia. Blah!

Up to day 30, I would repeatedly, throughout most of the day, think about having a slice of cake, a handful of chocolate chips, ice cream, anything and everything sweet. I wanted it. I craved it.

Between day 30-60, I was still thinking about sweets daily and regularly and had 1 breakdown. I couldn’t figure out what happened. I’d been so careful reading labels, making sure there was no added sugar. I thought about it for 3 days and wondered if it wasn’t the sugar, what was it?

Well, it was sugar. Fred had made dinner for us and his parents and used their pasta sauce–with sugar added; 8 grams per serving. BINGO! Any hope of going back to syrup on my pancakes, pie at Thanksgiving, or cookies at Christmas was squashed.

After 60 days, it got easier, but I still had daily cravings for sweets.

At almost 5 years sugar-free, I still have sweet cravings, but not as bad. I have found some real food sweet treats to enjoy with no side effects.

Dates have been a huge blessing. I use them in smoothies, pudding, and even a date-sweetened pumpkin pie. Dates have a lot of natural sugar, BUT they also have a lot of fiber and minerals. I started with whole dates or homemade paste, but have started using date syrup and date sugar on occasion.

Chocolate Smoothie/Pudding
I use a half cup milk and a half cup plain full-fat yogurt; add more cocoa powder to taste. For Pudding, add 1 Tbsp chia seeds, blend on high, pour in bowls, 10 minutes in the fridge to set.

Sweet Potato/Pumpkin Pie Smoothie
Use cooked sweet potato or pumpkin and I add 2-3 dates. Tweak it to your taste.

Date Sweetened Pumpkin Pie
I like this recipe, but use more dates and omit the maple syrup.

Bonanza Cookies
I really like these, but I do drop the date sugar and syrup a bit and use no sugar choco chips.

Strawberry Mousse

I omit the collagen, stevia, and berry extract, and add 1 Tbsp of date sugar.

The advice that moderation is key, let me assure you, is not the answer for me.

I remember when I was in my mid-20s, I told my dad I was afraid I was an alcoholic. He told me that just because I drank, even though it was a lot at the time, that didn’t make me an alcoholic. If I couldn’t stop or if I did stop, I couldn’t stop thinking about it, then come talk to him.

Well, I never went back for that talk, but my reaction to cutting out sugar has made me think more about its addictive nature. I’ve read the articles comparing the addictiveness of sugar to cocaine and I get it.

Sugar hides in so many foods that line the grocery store shelves, is added to foods just so we eat and buy more of it, and contributes to more health problems than we care to admit.

What are my health benefits since starting this? I don’t have less brain-fog or any more energy, and haven’t lost any weight like some people have. Know what I haven’t had? Major breakdown crying fits over simple setbacks or problems. So mental health benefits for the win!

I have a reason for my upsets now. I’m sad, frustrated, or angry because something happened, and I’m having a reasonable reaction. I can say X is causing my reaction, not sugar surging through my system. I didn’t have that before.

As I write this, I’d LOVE a lemon bar. But my bowl of plain full-fat yogurt with blueberries and pecans satisfies my sweet craving now. I have no doubt I will break down one day and stuff myself with something my digestive tract and brain will hate me for later. And when I do, I will pick up where I left off. No blame, guilt, or shame for myself, just renewing my commitment and moving forward.

This is not something I think everyone should or needs to do. However, if you are struggling with emotional breakdowns in the form of sadness, anger, depression, or anxiety, you may want to consider giving this a try.

If you don’t want to go full no-sugar, try:

switching to honey, dates, or maple syrup
limit added sugar to no more than 4 grams/serving or meal or day (that’s 1 tsp)
eat only sweet treats you make at home (better ingredients and you can use less sugar)
increase your real food sugar intake like fruit (not juices)

I am confident you’ll feel a difference with just limiting your sugar intake.

UPDATE:

Eating out is the hardest part of this. There are times I just don’t want to bring my lunch when I’m out, so I avoid sauces and breads and drink lots of water, which seems to help. But when I am struggling, it’s almost always after a day off the farm with restaurant food. I remind myself it’s the sugar, not me, and the next day, I’m good.

I have tried ice creams and other sweets with erythritol, and the taste wasn’t off-putting like it was before. But too much makes me bloated, and it isn’t the best for gut health, so I mostly avoid it or use it sparingly, like in the Bonanza cookies.

When I went home to care for my dad, we went out to eat, and he insisted on getting the crème brûlée for us. He had just survived a car accident that could have killed him, and I didn’t have it in me to say no, so I just ate it. Surprisingly, it wasn’t very sweet, and I handled it well. It may have been because I was eating two salads a day while I was there.

I do steal a taste of sweets at potlucks or if Fred is having something. Almost always, it’s waaaay too sweet. It’s never enough to affect me, but enough to make my tongue burn a little and remind me not to eat more.

Remember how I said one day I’ll slip? Well, one day shopping while hungry, nerver a good idea, I bought a cinnamon roll. I ate half and by the time I got home, I was shaky and could feel the saddness welling up. A big salad for dinner with lots of water and I was feeling better the next morning.

When I make treats with dates, date syrup, or date sugar, I still have to cut the amount. After being away from the sickly sweet stuff for so long, even dates can be too much at times.

Fred has been a real trooper with this. He’s eating less sugar and has a hard time with regular treats being too sweet. I mean, he’ll eat them, but says how sweet they are.

Overall, I’m happy I switched to date-derived sugars and feel like my mental health has improved significantly.

After I wrote my post about Agnes the rooster getting killed, my Dad asked that I not post anymore sad stories. That’s a hard request to honor. As much as beauty, wonder, and magic are part of the farm, so is death, dying, and killing. Every day, and I mean EVERY SINGLE DAY, I am in total and complete awe of something. We don’t have to STOP to smell the roses, we can enjoy them every day, all day. Whether it’s the wild violet popping up to announce spring, the snow clinging to the trees like a white shadow, the lightning bugs continuing the starry night into the trees and pastures, or walking the fence line enjoying the silence…there are so many things to soak in and appreciate. But for every good, there must be a bad.

Something we hear a lot from people is, “I would love to raise my own food, but I couldn’t kill an animal”. My answer is always that it is one of the hardest parts of what we do. The hardest part would be finding an animal dead or having to euthanize it. Yes, death is death. But there is something about an animal that doesn’t get to fulfill its purpose that makes me very sad. We’ve had chicks that just die. We had a calf, Caroline, that was lame and when we couldn’t get her to stand, we had to euthanize her. Then there are the cases where being a responsible owner mean you make the choice that is best for the animal. Fred’s horse, Honey, was very old and sick and we couldn’t stand to see her suffer through the summer heat, so we put her down. We butchered 200+ chickens last season and every one was hard. With each one, we say, “I am sorry”. The night before, Fred and I always have knots in our stomachs. One reason our business stays small is that we do all the butchering here on the farm. There is a place about an hour away that we could take them to be processed, but we just can’t bring ourselves to do that. Part of why we do what we do is so we know how the animal is treated. After caring for them, singing to them, giving them a good life, I can’t see us piling them into a trailer and driving them to their death. This May, we send two steer to be butchered. If we were set up better, we would do the slaughter on the farm and take them in to be only processed. I feel like if anyone is going to do the killing, it should be us, not a stranger.

I heard a story about a woman who asked a person who raised their chickens to eat, why they couldn’t just get their chicken from the store like everyone else. Let that soak in for a minute. I think most people are just as out of touch with where their food comes from as what it means to raise your own food. Yes, I have killed chickens. To eat and to stop their suffering. It’s not easy. But I think one of the ways I am able to do this is because I have raised them. I see chicken and beef in a store, and I think, “no one loved that animal”, “no one tossed and turned at night wondering if they were ok”. Seems odd to think that caring for them enables me to kill them. But knowing how they lived, and the compassion given at their death, does make it bearable.

The other day I came across a rabbit nest while we were putting up the pig pen. One of the small dogs was in the pen, and I noticed she had something in her mouth. I looked closer and thought it was a vole. Then, I noticed 4 little rabbits in a nest. My heart jumped. I checked them and they were all dead. I am afraid that when we came into that part of the pasture, it scared the mother off, and they died because of us. It was hard to see them all dead. Part of me had hoped I could have raised them…had my own litter of bunnies. In the end, they would have had the same fate, but at least if I had raised them, they would have been safe and lived a good life.

It’s the circle of life, the way it goes, and we all have our place in the food chain. But I think it’s how we face death and what we do before it that makes the difference. With people and with animals. So we try to make our life and our animals life the best it can be.

My Sugar Free Journey –updated!

On Death, Dying, and Killing